21 Day Breakfast Trial

Today is my 15th day on my first 21 Day Fix.  I am not yet doing the OFFICIAL 21 Day Fix.  I am doing my cobbled together one.

I have learned that variety for breakfast isn't for me.  I just prefer my oatmeal and eggs.  My kids, on the other hand, crave variety each day.  So I usually make them something and me another thing.

Last week (I think last Wednesday) I woke up late, no one ate a good breakfast and we all paid for it the whole day long.  I also bought steel cut oats instead of my trusty Old Fashioned so I needed to figure out how to use them up.

Enter  - Overnight Oats 21 Day Style

A quick Google Search got me this recipe so I have 3 flavors in the fridge - blueberry, strawberry and banana.

Hope I have nummy things to report in the morning!!!

Day #7

Hello and Happy Monday!!!

Today is my Day #7 doing my cobbled together 21 day fix.  I am a bit down because my notebook with my goals, recipes and measurements has disappeared.  Hopefully it turns up because I have needed it daily to reference!!

So, what have I learned?  Quite a bit and not even the things I would have expected!!!

1. pictures are powerful!  I took a risk and took a few before pics and posted them in the Secret FB Accountability Group I am in.  That was hard.  I mean H-A-R-D.  I don't know these people.  Pics last forever.  I am  half naked and man I don't like what I see.  All of that created some crazy strong motivation and true accountability.  I can't imagine posting my weekly numbers and having to confess I GAINED!!
2. any plan on paper is WONDERFUL but will not happen exactly and that is ok.  My plan went out the window for numerous things - family in town, no time to prep/grocery shop, i didn't like the recipes or they didn't make me feel full, and much more,  BUT I had the plan to reference to change on the spur of the moment!!
3. Our fearless leader & accountability coach, Courtney, wrote a post on the 4th saying something along the lines of "be realistic.  this is a holiday and a HUGE one for food and friends and family.  Enjoy it.  Take part.  Just eat better than you did last year.  Don't beat yourself up for the holiday and don't make yourself miserable.  Just make wiser choices than last year."  Guess what!!!  I REALLY DID!!!  With those words rolling around in my head all day, I really made better choices and I really didn't feel guilty!!!
4. My tastebuds hate Stevia.  *sigh*
5. I had a 5 day headache.  I have no idea why.  I don't usually get headaches but I got on every day for the first 5 days.  the last 2 days I haven't had one and am thankful.  I still don't know why it arrived and I don't know why it left.  I am thankful it left though.

And now for what we have all been waiting for - the numbers.  Sadly I don't have them next to each other as I can't find my notebook but here is my photo from todays measurements. 

so I lost 3.3 lbs and 3" in my first week.  My goal is 6-10 lbs in the 21 days so I am well on the way!  Today is day 1 of the next 7.  Must keep focused!!!

Is it really too much to ask?

I have heard the stats, read the memes and experienced it myself - most people are "listening" to form their next response.  It is spit out as a negative and proof of how horrible humans are and our world is.

I do my best to not be that way because we are all supposed to be nice and share.  I love friends and hearing about their lives and I don't want them to stop speaking to me about their stuff.

BUT I would KILL to have a full conversation right now.  A full conversation around me, the questions I have in MY life and which I am struggling with, working through and need feedback on.

I would KILL for an actual conversation - the give and the take.  Someone else engaged in it and on the same level.  Listening, thinking, sharing and learning.

I would KILL for an uninterrupted conversation.  No kids.  No fights.  No work calls.  No screens stealing away the attention.  No interruptions. No chores. No self imposed time limits.  No closing time.

I would KILL for the release from guilt at wanting this conversation.  To feel that I can desire this without analyzing if I am a narcissist or sociopath in the making.

I would KILL for what is important to me to become important to someone else for a few hours in time.  A fraction of a lifetime.  For the person who is speaking and listening to let go of their goals and agenda to listen and question and converse.

Today I keep pondering if this is even possible.  I wonder what kind of life has the time and genuine relationships in it in order to have this happen.  I dream of it and then have a hope that I can create it.

But I don't want to wait for something I need to create.  I really just need this now.  Today.  Is that really too much to ask?

Always an Almost

Have you ever felt shackled?  That feeling that no matter how you try or wiggle or move or think or wish or dream or want,  you will never break free?

The overwhelming helplessness of desperate want for the chain not to be there but the heavy reality of "knowing" it always will.

Overhelmed.
Helpless.
Desperate.
Chained.
Disappointed.
Scared.

I know I am not the only one.  We all have them/it, they are just dressed differently.

I have spent most of my life feeling shackled.

As a child it was being shackled to the secrets of being molested, having a father in jail and never feeling like I fit in.

In my teens it came with dating someone who insisted we stay a secret and I agreed in desperation as he went to events with other girls and didn't claim me as his girlfriend and thinking that if I could lose "just 5 more pounds" I would be worthy.

In college I was shackled by an obsessive relationship which I couldn't shake and kept being sucked into as I sobbed and cried from the deepest part of my soul.

In more recent life it has been lack of family relationships, feeling unable to make friends and living life alone, a constant feeling of losing faith, not belonging and so much more.

There are so many reasons and EVENTS and people I have allowed to chain me.  They all carried the same message - You are not good enough.  You are less than.  You are always an almost.

For over 20 years there is one thing which has continued to shackle me & make me feel less than, as though nothing I do is good enough and I am not worth as much because I didn't have it.

I have chased, gone into debt, cried, wondered, planned, asked others and tried over and over again but still this chain is continually there.

I am chained by my most widely known "dirty little secret" and internally I feel its weight daily.

I do not have a degree.  I do not have a college degree.  I am not papered.  I have tried.  I have wasted Tens of Thousands of dollars and countless hours but I do not have a degree.

This means that when my heart calls and tells me I need to help in a natural disaster situation, I can not - I am not degreed.  When I imagine my dream job the dreams can not fly because they require a degree.  I can not apply for jobs which I have experience and natural ability to excel in because I have not obtained the piece of paper required for an initial interview.

I have traveled to many countries. I have met many people.  I have been in many amazing/scary/difficult situations.  I have created great things.   I have experienced intense failures - personally, professionally and otherwise.  I have accomplished many things. I have learned from many gifted leaders. I have so many awesome ideas.  I live a great life.

But they mean nothing and I am filled with fears because - I do not have a degree.

I fear Byron dying for I will need to support my children without a degree.  Yes, we have life insurance and are well planned for, but life will continue and I will need to provide.

I fear getting older.  The luxury of time is passing as my children grow older, my peers build experience and resumes, and my world continues to surge forward.

I fear never being able to fill the many roles I believe I was made to do.

I fear...  They are not all rational fears.  They are not all fears which are relate-able to those who haven't lived my life.  But they are there and they chain me.

In the last few days I have been working, researching, planning for a new path.  One which doesn't include debt, college degrees or accomplishing my unattainable grail.  One which makes me have the tickles in the pit of my tummy, makes me think I don't need all the sleep I desire and which has already opened a few new, interesting, and scary paths.

All these years I thought a College Degree would be THE key to freeing me from these chains of inadequacy, inability, and fear.

I believe I am on the brink of breaking free.

The Day #1 which Never Was

Today was the day.  I have spent hours making the Vegetarian Meal Plan.  I have run it past the hubby and it was agreed on.  I ordered my things. I previewed the PiYo video.  I geared up and thought today was the day.  Monday.  Day #1.

But as the day progressed, I realized this was not the Day 1 I thought it was going to be.  My expectations were changed.

So, today WAS NOT Day #1 of my 21 Day Fix instead it WAS the Day #1 of my cleaned out Fridge and Freezer.  Out with my foods which I love but are WAAAAYYYY over processed or have HFCS or other things which were in need of rehoming.

I am anxiously awaiting my shipment of shake and containers (see this post for info).

In the mean time we are going to eat up the foods which are in our house but which we won't have on our 3 week change.  Blocks upon blocks of cheese, fake chicken strips and such will be consumed this week.

I will continue the purge in our cupboards and pantry shelves.

The new plan is to start NEXT Monday if all my orders have arrived.

Day #1 of 21 Day Fix - Veggie Version

Well today came.  Day #1.

Just a quick post sharing that I need to find a few answers as i continue on this.

FIRST - Coffee.  Is it allowed?  Can i have anything in it?  What is allowed and in which measurements?

SECOND - in the oatmeal - can i add ANYTHING????  honey? Molasses? Maple Syrup???

I dont have my containers yet, so i Pinterested the measurements and went with those.

Inspite of no coffee and no sweetner in my oatmeal, the morning has gone quite well.

Measured my fav water cup so i know it is 16 oz.  So i need 16 oz TIMES two before 9 am then again at noon, again at 3 and again at 6.  More if/when there is exercise.

21-Day Fix??? Ish??? Vegetarian Running with Piyo does that count???

So, something has gotta give and end of July begins Fall Half Marathon Training.  2 Half Marathons & a 4 miler are on schedule for the fall and I think 2 HMs are already booked for the first few months of 2016. Time to get a wiggle on.

In the weeks since RnR Nashville (my first half) I have realized I need much  more flexibility and strength, so I purchased PiYo from Liz, my girlfriend who kicked off my running journey.  In my free time, I have been watching the DVDs to see if it was what I needed and I think I guessed correctly.

I then turned my attention to nutrition.  I need to lose weight.  This isn't a vanity need this is a health and life need.  I am on Metformin for Insulin Resistance and PCOS.  I am a born and raised Lacto-Ovo Vegetarian.  I am married to a Chemical Engineer in the food processing industry.

Yeah - I have complications in the Nutrition World.

So, I determined that I will follow a PiYo PLUS Half Marathon Plan I found at Weigh to Maintain.  I start this on Monday and plan to continue it until my Fleet Feet training begins at the end of July.

I then decided that going it alone and attempting to figure out a Vegetarian Meal Plan for exercising and losing weight was just not working for me.  I have attempted for at least 20 years and am still trying.  I think it is time for a change, don't  you???

So, I looked at the 21 Day Fix plan through my girlfriend, Kristine.     As I read and messaged Kristine, I realized that while I eat healthy foods and I weigh them and log them in MFP, it just isn't working for me.  Color coding and sizes are my next attempt.

I figure I never transitioned to being a digital planner gal, so maybe attempting another way of learning healthy limits (besides counting and weighting) might be for me.

BUT - I really didn't want to do Shakeology.  There are a few reasons:  1.  the price.  I just can't sustain that long term.  2.  the carbs - due to the Insulin Resistance I have I need to keep my carbs in certain ranges per my Endocrinologist.  I don't want to use 17+ carbs per shake wasn't where I wanted to spend my carbs.

So, this first 21 days I am going to use shakes from 310 Shakes.  I haven't tasted them but the low carbs and the price were why I went with them.  I was introduced to the 310 Shakes from The Diet Shake Reviews website.

I already use plain whey protein isolate for a shake each morning so I am excited for flavors (I ordered Chocolate and Vanilla) and for the chance to taste something different.

After settling on a shake plan and knowing I wanted to use the format for 21 Day Fix, I googled a calculator for calories on the 21 Day Fix and used this one to determine I am Level 4 or 2100-2300 calories.  This is important so you can plan everything needed for eating each day.   Here is a screenshot for my calculation.  I am allocated more calories than 2300 but for the purposes of 21 Day Fix, you round down to 2300.

This means we get 6 Green, 4 Purple, 6 Red, 4 Yellow, 1 Blue, 1 Orange and 6 teaspoons.  I headed over to Amazon and picked up these Beach Body Containers.  

I also got a set of these Divided Food Containers to pack lunches in.

Now for the plan.  My plan is Lacto-Ovo Vegetarian and this week relies heavily on recipes from the Potentially Lovely Blog.  Here is what we have for our first week:

 I say "we" because for the first time since we have been married my hubby has agreed to join me in a meal plan.  I offered to pack his lunches since he has new hours at work.  Hopefully this will be a plan which will fill him up and not leave him starving.

As I said before, I am a Paper Planner Type, so I have a composition Book I have been cutting and pasting in and writing in with markers and taping up with Washi.  I feel very prepared and ready to embark on the first week of the next 3.

And there it is!

Exercise is Piyo/Half Marathon Training
Learned what the plan allows and doesn't allow
Lacto Ovo Meal Plan Week #1 is created
Ordered BeachBody containers and divided containers
Ordered shakes
Tomorrow I finish up grocery shopping and will prep everything.

Since price was something I had concern about in just using the Shakeology 21 Day Fix program, here is a breakdown of my costs so far.

The Pursuit of Health is Exhausting

It has been a year since I started running.  12 months.  For 10 of those months I didn't lose any weight.  Not one single ounce.  I changed eating habits, drank more water and spent hours running each week.

I gained friends, confidence, ability and endurance.  I lost... nothing.  Same weight.  Each time I weighed in I was 266 lbs.  Nothing moved.  Nothing changed.  My clothes didn't fit better.  My tummy wasn't flatter.  Nothing.

I was pretty frustrated.  Then the Thursday before the first Half Marathon of my life, I was told by the Urgent Care Dr that I wouldn't be running.  I thought he was joking but He wasn't.  I sat that one out.  Cheering from the sidelines.

That was in October.  I was sidelined due to breathing/oxygen issues.  This continued for a few more months and 3 more visits.  He then referred me to an Allergy/Asthma Specialist.  I was still not running.

In the meantime I had a free evaluation at a local clinic.  They offered BMI and blood pressure and a quick blood sugar test.  I just wanted my BMI numbers.  I got a bit of a scare.  The Blood Sugar numbers were VERY HIGH.

So, I came back in a few days for fasting blood work.  That was a bit disappointing as well so I found myself in the office of an Endocrinologist for the first time in my life.

He prescribed a new diet and then warned me that my numbers needed attention so when he saw me in January he fully expects I will be on at least 2 medicines.

Christmas happened.  It was so fun.  I love spending time with family.

I stuck to a very strict version of the diet he prescribed.  I lost 12 lbs.  I now weigh in at 254 consistently.  Still not running and no exercise as prescribed due to my cortisol numbers.

But the weight moved.  It budged. I was so happy!  Then it stalled and that is where I am for the past 6 weeks.  No idea why it moved for those first few weeks but thankful it did.

Meanwhile I met with the Allergist/Asthma Specialist this past Tuesday.  After tests it is shown that I am not allergic to anything but have Infection Induced Asthma.  The solution to this is 2 seperate inhalers twice a day each, nose spray twice a day and an acid reducing medicine.  This whole handful of medicines is costing me over $300/month.  Yes, that is with insurance.  I can't afford the stress of thinking about that so I don't.  I just take the meds which are in front of me and see where this all leads.

EXCEPT - I need to have a few handfuls of tests this week.  One is for Cushing's Syndrome/Disease.  No one warned me that one of my inhalers would conflict with this test.

I am guessing there is no way for individual drs to know what they are prescribing/ordering. I found out about this conflict due to doing some Dr. Googling and reading that this particular test is testing for steroid something or another.  Knowing that my inhaler was a type of steroid I called Walgreens, then the Endocrinologists office.

The answer is to stop all meds except the acid reducer.  Yesterday I couldn't get the answer to "how long to stop before testing." Today I was supposed to begin one of the tests.  This morning I get the answer that we need 7 days off the other meds.  SEVEN DAYS off the meds which allow me to breathe and which allow my chest to stop burning.  SEVEN DAYS *Sigh*

So, now my Endo Appt is in February.  I need to reschedule my tests for next week and yesterday was day one without breathing support.

I am exhausted.  Not just physically but internally.

Breathing is a MUST.

Knowing if I am Diabetic or have Cushings or whatever is a MUST.

Protecting my Kidneys (which are compromised) is a MUST.

I live in one body.  I don't have unlimited financial or childcare or other resources.

I am thankful for what I do have.  I am thankful that nothing we are pursuing will kill me in the next few weeks.  I am thankful for so many things.

BUT, I am tired and don't have much patience.

I want answers.  I want my body to work correctly.  I want to be healthy - me and a couple million other people at any given moment.

So, I wait.  Maybe a few more pounds will fall off.  Maybe the Acid Reducer will keep helping and the lungs won't hurt so much.  Maybe I will get rest and energy.

Exhausted = Me

You can't outrun your genes

It was a very tough Dr visit.  I had never been to an Endocrinologist until yesterday morning.  I am alternating between thinking about all that he said and ignoring that I ever went.

The statement which made me shake and fight tears was his matter of fact "You do not have diabetes now, but with your family history and your lab numbers you will."

I kept it together in his office but when I called my mom on my way to the van I couldn't even get the words out as I was crying.

I saw him 3 days before he passed away.  A frail, sick man who looked nothing like the robust full of energy man I had known 20 years before.  That man was my father who died at the age of 61 due to complications of Diabetes/Kidneys/health.

You can't outrun your genes.  It just isn't possible and lucky for me I won my Fathers health genes in the genes lottery.  :(

I am not ok.  I thought I was until this article on Plus Size Runners came across my FB Newsfeed.  There I read great statements which I felt this past year of becoming a runner.  Then this one:

“No matter how many lifestyle changes you make, they might never be radical enough to overcome your genetic predisposition,” he says. “But that should never be an excuse. You can still make significant improvements through nutrition and exercise, but they might not lead to as dramatic results as you’d hoped.”


It is true - you can't outrun your genes.  I have some awesome genes.  I am blessed to be a people person, able to bake, do math, grow tall, love animals, read extremely fast with comprehension, enjoy technology, and so very much more.

I will continue to run.  In fact the Dr pretty much said if I don't I will be signing my early death certificate.  So now I will run and I will run like Death is at my heels.  I will run as though seeing my babies graduate rests on each step.  I will run.

I will run and I will not look back.

You can't outrun your genes but I have another generation to educate and grow and inform so they will have more options than I do.

I will run and I will declare my love with each footstep.

Successes - Focus Christi-San

Today was my second week to weigh in at Weight Watchers.  I joined last week online and showed up to weigh in on Saturday morning.  I wasn't sure how things would go and didn't have much hope of anything being different this time.

I have become a runner in the last 10 months.  Started in a running group in January and even through injuries and sickness I am a runner!  But I am not a loser of weight.  Nope, not one teeny tiny ounce.  So, I decided I needed to try something else.

Today I weighed in and the scale says my first week is a 4.8 lb loss!  TIME TO CELEBRATE!!!

Then our leader started talking and she didn't dwell on what we did wrong or how we lost track or anything about our failures.

She stood in front of us and asked "what were your successes?"  I was ready to confess my failures.  I was all set to hang my head in shame as I recall all the times this week I forgot I was on WW and ate things I had no clue how to turn into points.  I walked in knowing how I had not been perfect.

What were your successes?

it was like the pinprick of light which grows.  I started thinking of all the successes I had.

I completed a full week of WW and didn't starve, die or quit.
I shopped for healthy food
I chopped said food for hours on Sunday evening
I made freezer oats
I made Mason Jar Salads
I ate fruit at each meal
I didn't snack at night
I ate the kids scoop of ice cream instead of a double
I drank more than 8 glasses of water each day
I tracked my WW points
I ran one night
I got more sleep
I tried a few new recipes

The list is long of my successes, yet I only saw my failures.  Why?

I went to WW to lose physical weight but I get the feeling there will be other weights lifted as I continue along this path.

Prepper of the weekly type

I have been training to run a half marathon since January of this year (2014).  I started with a running group learning to run a 5k. I learned so much about weather, what I can accomplish in a group, what I can accomplish alone, the power of the mind, how to make friends and so very much more.

This is 10 months later and I have been so frustrated that I have been able to run:walk 12+ miles in one session but have not lost one single ounce of weight.  I am an interval gal of the Jeff Galloway Variety.

I started running in January at 266 lbs and I started October 2014 at the EXACT SAME WEIGHT.

In the meantime I have done a few tests to help me understand how my body works and to find reasons why the increase in activity didn't equate to a decrease in body mass.

The Caloric Expenditure test I took told me that my metabolism is 30% FASTER than other women my age, weight and whatever else they compare.  WOOHOO!!!  My body is a MACHINE!

The Mobile Hydrostatic Body Fat Test told me how much of my weight was muscle (currently 165 lbs) and what was fat and what a realistic healthy body weight would be for me.  I had thought I needed to be close to 155 lbs but as you can see without bones or skin my muscle is weighing in at 165 lbs.  So that was eye opening and my expectation is now set to 199 lbs.

Armed with this knowledge about me and my body and how it functions and with a running coach and team I was certain that I would be rocking cute skirts, knee high boots and fun sweaters on a much less fluffy frame this fall.

It wasn't meant to be.

STILL 266 lbs.  I have ROCKIN blood pressure and cholesterol.  I can run!  I can run FAR!  But it is still 266 lbs being propelled forward.

Well, it was until this week!  I joined Weight Watchers a week ago out of desperation.  I had a virus attack my lungs last month which is taking FOREVER to heal from.  During which time I am not running and I can feel it.  I decided that my body needs something and it can't be just the calories in vs calories out fallacy.

So off to Weight Watchers I went. Desperate and disbelieving.  As a Lacto-Ovo Vegetarian I wasn't expecting that there would be much for me to change and therefore I really wasn't expecting much change or maybe if I was lucky I could experience the SLOWEST weight loss ever.

SURPRISE!  Week one was a loss of 4.8 lbs.  WOOT!  Now to have a repeat of loss and not a gain just because I mislead myself into believing "I got this."

There are a few things I feel have helped those numbers to budge.

#1 - I was going days without a vegetable or fruit.  As a LOV (Lacto-Ovo Vegetarian) this would seem impossible, but a few days of burritos without veggies or pasta bakes with only tomato or alfredo sauce and other such meals I could conceivably not consume a veggie or fruit for 2 days.  NO BUENO!

#2. Not enough water.  Just as I need more calories than the average woman (did I mention I am approx 5' 10" ) I also need more water.  So my water goals are closer to 120 oz than the recommended 8 oz 8 times a day.

#3.  Eating whenever I wanted.  Eating whatever I wanted.  Eating while doing other things. All three of these go together and they influence mood, grocery lists and satisfaction.  I could chow through chips and dip and never even notice that I was eating.

#4.  Not being aware of portions.  For anything.  My idea of what a portion of M&Ms is WAY SMALLER than what is considered a portion (WIN!!) but my idea of what a portion of pizza is is WAY LARGER than what is considered a portion.

So, this week I made Mason Jar Salads to eat each day in order to up my veggie intake.  As Matt Frazier of No Meat Athlete suggests, I have determined to eat one salad a day.  Some days it is my lunch meal and some days it was my afternoon snack but for the last week I have stuck to that.

Matt also suggests starting your day with a smoothie so you are able to get your fruits in for your day.  I love using recipes from the blog www.organizeyourselfskinny.com and she also suggests smoothies so this week I am going to make a few of her freezer smoothie kits up and attempt that as my new habit.

I have had a long time frustration with breakfast and with kids in school for the first time this year, I needed HELP!.  Enter Organize Yourself Skinny's Freezer Steel Cut Oats.  I quadrupled this recipe and am still swimming in frozen oat disks.  :)  I pop 3 of these in the microwave for 3 minutes and then add honey and cinnamon.  Stir it up, scoop some out for my 3 year old and then enjoy!!!

Finally I tracked my points for WW and my water intake this week.  That kind of focus helped me know when I could eat the chocolate drizzled popcorn and when I just needed to suck it up and drink water.

So, here I am today at the beginning of a new week.  I start run:walking this week with a goal race of 15k in December.  This afternoon I chopped and cut and cleaned (not in that order) and I made 8 jar salads - hubby asked for some to take to work.  Later tonight I will create 3-4 smoothie kits with whatever I have here in the house.  

Prepping.  Hoping.  Feeling better!!!  I have less than a pound before I am in the 250s!  Wish me luck!!!

Together but Separate

Next month is our 6 year anniversary.  We have been "together" for 7 years now.  I am pretty sure we are like every other couple out there who have ups and downs and ins and outs.

We have done many things over the years:

• moved 1 hour away from friends and family the week after we got married
• had 2 children
• weathered odd medical diagnosis
• a missions trip (only I went)
• moved across the country for a job to a city where we knew NO ONE
• left our home church and went in search for a new one

I am sure there are much more but you get the idea.  When I think of these HUGE times in our life together they are the high points of what defines TOGETHER for us.  Each of those we were in it together.  

This latest move, to a state neither of us has ties to except his work, is different.  While we are all moving together, in the same vehicles, at the same time, to the same apartment, this time we are not TOGETHER.

This time he is arriving in the new city with a company who already knows him and has shared their excitement to have him.  He will start a new job in the company he has built a reputation with for the last 4 years.  Yes, new address but same company and full of hopes, dreams and promotions.  He will jump into the new culture 4 days after we move.  He will have lunches, projects, wins, losses and much to learn.  He will be busy and stressed and surrounded by people working towards the same goal.

He is not leaving behind friendships developed over coffee, Applebees, children's voices or tears.  He is moving forward.

This time I am arriving in the new city with 2 children (5 and 2 years old).  We will live in a 2 bedroom apartment in a city of 65K, having packed up our spacious 3 bedroom home on a half an acre.  OUR FIRST HOME.  We will not have playdates or even friends to call for playdates.  We will not know where the park is, where the grocery is, where a friend might be.

This time, I leave behind beautiful friends who have taught me how to be a mom, wife and true friend.  Friends who held me as I cried thinking my kidneys were failing and who shouted with joy when we found out we were pregnant.  Friends who shared their fears and tears as I rushed to their side.  Friends who cared enough to share correction, encouragement and thanksgiving.

This time I leave a church family who has allowed me to grow and refine and has loved me through the process.  Amazing women of all ages and places in life.  Women I crave learning more from and growing with.

This time my heart breaks with each mile we drive.

This time his heart fills with hope with each mile we drive.

This time we are together but couldn't be further apart.  

That makes this hard.  Not impossible.  Just hard.

Even on a good day...

moving is tough

There isn't anyway around it.  I am extroverted, love adventure, enjoy trying new things.  But... moving is tough.

There are a ton of things I LOVE about moving.  I love the chance to learn a new culture (yes it varies in each state in the USA).  I love the chance to learn about new to me things (like the snorkle truck here in NW Ohio).  I love new people.

My favorite holiday is New Years.  Possibility abounds!  The chance to begin again.  Resolutions and a clean calendar waiting to be filled!  MY FAVORITE.

Knowing that, I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that I view moving much in the same way.  This is a great time to reinvent me,  my priorities and goals.  I will be meeting new people who won't expect me to react, behave, answer, respond in a certain way.  I can change things about me and no one will miss the old me!!!

We have been so busy packing, trying to sell the house, finding a new place to live and just plain old living for me to reflect much on who I want to be in our new world.  As I pack our boxes today I have reflected on who I will be in one week.  What will our new "norms" be?

I don't know yet, but I am excited to see what they are and who I will get to be.