Always an Almost

Have you ever felt shackled?  That feeling that no matter how you try or wiggle or move or think or wish or dream or want,  you will never break free?

The overwhelming helplessness of desperate want for the chain not to be there but the heavy reality of "knowing" it always will.

Overhelmed.
Helpless.
Desperate.
Chained.
Disappointed.
Scared.

I know I am not the only one.  We all have them/it, they are just dressed differently.

I have spent most of my life feeling shackled.

As a child it was being shackled to the secrets of being molested, having a father in jail and never feeling like I fit in.

In my teens it came with dating someone who insisted we stay a secret and I agreed in desperation as he went to events with other girls and didn't claim me as his girlfriend and thinking that if I could lose "just 5 more pounds" I would be worthy.

In college I was shackled by an obsessive relationship which I couldn't shake and kept being sucked into as I sobbed and cried from the deepest part of my soul.

In more recent life it has been lack of family relationships, feeling unable to make friends and living life alone, a constant feeling of losing faith, not belonging and so much more.

There are so many reasons and EVENTS and people I have allowed to chain me.  They all carried the same message - You are not good enough.  You are less than.  You are always an almost.

For over 20 years there is one thing which has continued to shackle me & make me feel less than, as though nothing I do is good enough and I am not worth as much because I didn't have it.

I have chased, gone into debt, cried, wondered, planned, asked others and tried over and over again but still this chain is continually there.

I am chained by my most widely known "dirty little secret" and internally I feel its weight daily.

I do not have a degree.  I do not have a college degree.  I am not papered.  I have tried.  I have wasted Tens of Thousands of dollars and countless hours but I do not have a degree.

This means that when my heart calls and tells me I need to help in a natural disaster situation, I can not - I am not degreed.  When I imagine my dream job the dreams can not fly because they require a degree.  I can not apply for jobs which I have experience and natural ability to excel in because I have not obtained the piece of paper required for an initial interview.

I have traveled to many countries. I have met many people.  I have been in many amazing/scary/difficult situations.  I have created great things.   I have experienced intense failures - personally, professionally and otherwise.  I have accomplished many things. I have learned from many gifted leaders. I have so many awesome ideas.  I live a great life.

But they mean nothing and I am filled with fears because - I do not have a degree.

I fear Byron dying for I will need to support my children without a degree.  Yes, we have life insurance and are well planned for, but life will continue and I will need to provide.

I fear getting older.  The luxury of time is passing as my children grow older, my peers build experience and resumes, and my world continues to surge forward.

I fear never being able to fill the many roles I believe I was made to do.

I fear...  They are not all rational fears.  They are not all fears which are relate-able to those who haven't lived my life.  But they are there and they chain me.

In the last few days I have been working, researching, planning for a new path.  One which doesn't include debt, college degrees or accomplishing my unattainable grail.  One which makes me have the tickles in the pit of my tummy, makes me think I don't need all the sleep I desire and which has already opened a few new, interesting, and scary paths.

All these years I thought a College Degree would be THE key to freeing me from these chains of inadequacy, inability, and fear.

I believe I am on the brink of breaking free.

The Day #1 which Never Was

Today was the day.  I have spent hours making the Vegetarian Meal Plan.  I have run it past the hubby and it was agreed on.  I ordered my things. I previewed the PiYo video.  I geared up and thought today was the day.  Monday.  Day #1.

But as the day progressed, I realized this was not the Day 1 I thought it was going to be.  My expectations were changed.

So, today WAS NOT Day #1 of my 21 Day Fix instead it WAS the Day #1 of my cleaned out Fridge and Freezer.  Out with my foods which I love but are WAAAAYYYY over processed or have HFCS or other things which were in need of rehoming.

I am anxiously awaiting my shipment of shake and containers (see this post for info).

In the mean time we are going to eat up the foods which are in our house but which we won't have on our 3 week change.  Blocks upon blocks of cheese, fake chicken strips and such will be consumed this week.

I will continue the purge in our cupboards and pantry shelves.

The new plan is to start NEXT Monday if all my orders have arrived.

Day #1 of 21 Day Fix - Veggie Version

Well today came.  Day #1.

Just a quick post sharing that I need to find a few answers as i continue on this.

FIRST - Coffee.  Is it allowed?  Can i have anything in it?  What is allowed and in which measurements?

SECOND - in the oatmeal - can i add ANYTHING????  honey? Molasses? Maple Syrup???

I dont have my containers yet, so i Pinterested the measurements and went with those.

Inspite of no coffee and no sweetner in my oatmeal, the morning has gone quite well.

Measured my fav water cup so i know it is 16 oz.  So i need 16 oz TIMES two before 9 am then again at noon, again at 3 and again at 6.  More if/when there is exercise.

21-Day Fix??? Ish??? Vegetarian Running with Piyo does that count???

So, something has gotta give and end of July begins Fall Half Marathon Training.  2 Half Marathons & a 4 miler are on schedule for the fall and I think 2 HMs are already booked for the first few months of 2016. Time to get a wiggle on.

In the weeks since RnR Nashville (my first half) I have realized I need much  more flexibility and strength, so I purchased PiYo from Liz, my girlfriend who kicked off my running journey.  In my free time, I have been watching the DVDs to see if it was what I needed and I think I guessed correctly.

I then turned my attention to nutrition.  I need to lose weight.  This isn't a vanity need this is a health and life need.  I am on Metformin for Insulin Resistance and PCOS.  I am a born and raised Lacto-Ovo Vegetarian.  I am married to a Chemical Engineer in the food processing industry.

Yeah - I have complications in the Nutrition World.

So, I determined that I will follow a PiYo PLUS Half Marathon Plan I found at Weigh to Maintain.  I start this on Monday and plan to continue it until my Fleet Feet training begins at the end of July.

I then decided that going it alone and attempting to figure out a Vegetarian Meal Plan for exercising and losing weight was just not working for me.  I have attempted for at least 20 years and am still trying.  I think it is time for a change, don't  you???

So, I looked at the 21 Day Fix plan through my girlfriend, Kristine.     As I read and messaged Kristine, I realized that while I eat healthy foods and I weigh them and log them in MFP, it just isn't working for me.  Color coding and sizes are my next attempt.

I figure I never transitioned to being a digital planner gal, so maybe attempting another way of learning healthy limits (besides counting and weighting) might be for me.

BUT - I really didn't want to do Shakeology.  There are a few reasons:  1.  the price.  I just can't sustain that long term.  2.  the carbs - due to the Insulin Resistance I have I need to keep my carbs in certain ranges per my Endocrinologist.  I don't want to use 17+ carbs per shake wasn't where I wanted to spend my carbs.

So, this first 21 days I am going to use shakes from 310 Shakes.  I haven't tasted them but the low carbs and the price were why I went with them.  I was introduced to the 310 Shakes from The Diet Shake Reviews website.

I already use plain whey protein isolate for a shake each morning so I am excited for flavors (I ordered Chocolate and Vanilla) and for the chance to taste something different.

After settling on a shake plan and knowing I wanted to use the format for 21 Day Fix, I googled a calculator for calories on the 21 Day Fix and used this one to determine I am Level 4 or 2100-2300 calories.  This is important so you can plan everything needed for eating each day.   Here is a screenshot for my calculation.  I am allocated more calories than 2300 but for the purposes of 21 Day Fix, you round down to 2300.

This means we get 6 Green, 4 Purple, 6 Red, 4 Yellow, 1 Blue, 1 Orange and 6 teaspoons.  I headed over to Amazon and picked up these Beach Body Containers.  

I also got a set of these Divided Food Containers to pack lunches in.

Now for the plan.  My plan is Lacto-Ovo Vegetarian and this week relies heavily on recipes from the Potentially Lovely Blog.  Here is what we have for our first week:

 I say "we" because for the first time since we have been married my hubby has agreed to join me in a meal plan.  I offered to pack his lunches since he has new hours at work.  Hopefully this will be a plan which will fill him up and not leave him starving.

As I said before, I am a Paper Planner Type, so I have a composition Book I have been cutting and pasting in and writing in with markers and taping up with Washi.  I feel very prepared and ready to embark on the first week of the next 3.

And there it is!

Exercise is Piyo/Half Marathon Training
Learned what the plan allows and doesn't allow
Lacto Ovo Meal Plan Week #1 is created
Ordered BeachBody containers and divided containers
Ordered shakes
Tomorrow I finish up grocery shopping and will prep everything.

Since price was something I had concern about in just using the Shakeology 21 Day Fix program, here is a breakdown of my costs so far.