Always an Almost

Have you ever felt shackled?  That feeling that no matter how you try or wiggle or move or think or wish or dream or want,  you will never break free?

The overwhelming helplessness of desperate want for the chain not to be there but the heavy reality of "knowing" it always will.

Overhelmed.
Helpless.
Desperate.
Chained.
Disappointed.
Scared.

I know I am not the only one.  We all have them/it, they are just dressed differently.

I have spent most of my life feeling shackled.

As a child it was being shackled to the secrets of being molested, having a father in jail and never feeling like I fit in.

In my teens it came with dating someone who insisted we stay a secret and I agreed in desperation as he went to events with other girls and didn't claim me as his girlfriend and thinking that if I could lose "just 5 more pounds" I would be worthy.

In college I was shackled by an obsessive relationship which I couldn't shake and kept being sucked into as I sobbed and cried from the deepest part of my soul.

In more recent life it has been lack of family relationships, feeling unable to make friends and living life alone, a constant feeling of losing faith, not belonging and so much more.

There are so many reasons and EVENTS and people I have allowed to chain me.  They all carried the same message - You are not good enough.  You are less than.  You are always an almost.

For over 20 years there is one thing which has continued to shackle me & make me feel less than, as though nothing I do is good enough and I am not worth as much because I didn't have it.

I have chased, gone into debt, cried, wondered, planned, asked others and tried over and over again but still this chain is continually there.

I am chained by my most widely known "dirty little secret" and internally I feel its weight daily.

I do not have a degree.  I do not have a college degree.  I am not papered.  I have tried.  I have wasted Tens of Thousands of dollars and countless hours but I do not have a degree.

This means that when my heart calls and tells me I need to help in a natural disaster situation, I can not - I am not degreed.  When I imagine my dream job the dreams can not fly because they require a degree.  I can not apply for jobs which I have experience and natural ability to excel in because I have not obtained the piece of paper required for an initial interview.

I have traveled to many countries. I have met many people.  I have been in many amazing/scary/difficult situations.  I have created great things.   I have experienced intense failures - personally, professionally and otherwise.  I have accomplished many things. I have learned from many gifted leaders. I have so many awesome ideas.  I live a great life.

But they mean nothing and I am filled with fears because - I do not have a degree.

I fear Byron dying for I will need to support my children without a degree.  Yes, we have life insurance and are well planned for, but life will continue and I will need to provide.

I fear getting older.  The luxury of time is passing as my children grow older, my peers build experience and resumes, and my world continues to surge forward.

I fear never being able to fill the many roles I believe I was made to do.

I fear...  They are not all rational fears.  They are not all fears which are relate-able to those who haven't lived my life.  But they are there and they chain me.

In the last few days I have been working, researching, planning for a new path.  One which doesn't include debt, college degrees or accomplishing my unattainable grail.  One which makes me have the tickles in the pit of my tummy, makes me think I don't need all the sleep I desire and which has already opened a few new, interesting, and scary paths.

All these years I thought a College Degree would be THE key to freeing me from these chains of inadequacy, inability, and fear.

I believe I am on the brink of breaking free.